


I'm Trying To Live in The Moment, like You Told Me

by Lotsofloveandangst



Series: It Wasn't Easy To Be Happy For You (And I'm Not Trying To) [1]
Category: Mindhunter (TV 2017)
Genre: F/F, Fluff and Angst, M/M, brian and holden bond, hahaha, holden gets to interact with brian, of course theres angst, pure fluff, who do you think I am
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-26
Updated: 2019-10-26
Packaged: 2021-01-03 05:44:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21174395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lotsofloveandangst/pseuds/Lotsofloveandangst
Summary: Brian comes to stay with Holden and Bill for the summer.





	I'm Trying To Live in The Moment, like You Told Me

**Author's Note:**

> I had no idea I shipped this until I read some stories and Wow. I'm still writing my other stuff, don't worry, just trying to make it good and worth the wait since I have been busy. I have read fics by princesskay and they're my favorite. Her most recent series has broken me into pieces.

Brian had his arms wrapped around a bookbag and his brown hair was all Holden could see as far as his face went. He felt lucky and unfortunate at the same time since Brian didn't talk back. Brian could hate him if he knew the truth, or Brian could not care for him. Holden would feel his chest rumble as Bill spoke into the dark of the night about his concern for Brian's development. Holden couldn't help him much, not without seeing Brian for himself. And Brian wasn't a criminal, Holden was only so well verse in behavioral science. He was isolated from his peers a few times when he was younger as well. He would leave the crowds at playtime to tend to himself or he'd spend time watching others. Holden got into a few fights. There were mainly one-sided and consisted of him mouthing off to some asshole and then facing the repercussions. He didn't think Brian would have that problem, seeing as he was selectively mute. He explained it to Bill and was jostled with the words, "You don't think I know that? What I want to know is why." He wasn't sure about hanging around kids. He didn't spend time with them and had a hard enough time relating to adults. He knew not to be affectionate around Brian. Nancy knew that they lived together, but she and everyone else was under the suspicion that it was just easier to live together for work and because of the travel.

And it was, but it was much easier for other things too. There was no hustle for Bill to rush out and travel back to his own place and vice versa, Holden got to see him as often as he wanted to with no interruptions. He got to touch Bill's chest, his hair, his face. He got to inhale the scent of cigarettes and Bill's woodsy cologne. Holden got to feel Bill's arms wrapped around him whenever he wanted and once he learned how to, he had Bill to calm him down when he was having panic attacks. He liked the house they moved into. Perfect for newlyweds, the relator had said. Holden had brought Wendy along and guessed that the realtor believed it would increase the chance of him buying it. It did. He presented it to Bill as logically as possible, ignoring the fact that they had confessed their feelings for each other because it was barely that. 

Holden had taken an interest in Bill a long time ago and learned how to repress it the way he always did until he couldn't anymore. Bill had been separated for months and had said the divorce wasn't messy, at least not when it came to the assets they had. Nancy had gotten what she wanted, a new start for her and Brian. Bill was still in love with her when they first kissed. He remembers it even though it was just a tiny peck. And it was the cold tiles in the motel bathroom. And it was stolen glances over the next few days, and hands creeping towards each other while they laid in the same bed, even though their unit's budget could afford two beds. It was pinkies wrapped around each other and then bodies. Bill had never said I love you and so Holden never said it either, but they kept each other's beds warm for months. It was bordering on a year when Holden presented the house. Two rooms, one, of course, for Brian and one for them. A backyard for him as well. Bill didn't expect Holden to remember all those things, but he couldn't refuse Holden's offer. He wasn't sure what Brian should feel towards him. He wasn't a step-parent, not officially anyway. He was just a friend of his dad's. 

"Brian, say hi to Holden." Holden wasn't expecting a response and he didn't get one. Bill just ruffled his hair and led Brian to his room. Some toys were already in there and he hoped that would make him feel more comfortable. Bill came back out from the room and smirked at Holden's worried face. 

"Don't take it personally," he chuckled and tenderly squeezed Holden's forearm. He wasn't going to, he swore it. Holden decided to focus on other things, like making dinner. Not enjoying the quiet, he turned on the radio and Bill read the newspaper. Holden made sure to ask what Brian liked to eat and was relieved to know he wasn't picky. He cut up the vegetables methodically after turning on the frying pan. He listened to the pot of noodles bubble while he seasoned the vegetables and heard a crooning voice on the radio. He brought Bill a cup of coffee as well, making sure to hide the alcohol in areas that Brian wouldn't dare to reach if he ever felt comfortable enough to explore in the kitchen. Bill and him liked to sit on the couch and drink while Holden draped his legs over Bill's lap. 

Once everything was ready, Bill called Brian out of the room. The drag of his socks against the floor made Holden more anxious than he already was. Brian sat in the chair with two toys in hand. One was a car and the other a train. Both of the toys had been handpicked by Holden since he enjoyed them when he was younger. "Would you like to spoon out your own dish?" Holden wasn't sure what Brian was used to, but based on the "housewife" tendencies he used with Bill, Nancy was a bit of a helicopter parent. The incident had increased her hovering, but Holden had been very independent when he was younger. His mother was surprised when he was reliant on her, like in stores or other public places, and rarely made accommodations. He believed that Brian could use some trust though. 

Brian got up from the chair and they watched him scoop up his portion. It was tiny for an eight-year-old. He could always get more if he needed it. Bill's plate was stacked and Holden took just enough. They conversed about their adventures on the road, leaving out the gruesome details in Brian's presence. Holden was reminded of the time they traveled to Massachussettes and Bill had eaten him out so well that he could barely contain his moans. He smiled to himself as he took bites. Bill and Holden's chairs were pressing against each other, just like their thighs and Holden was grateful for the touches. He hated having to hide his love and his home was the one place they could be true to each other, and now it wasn't. But he knew how important Brian was to Bill. He spoke about him all the time, despite the kid rarely talking. Brian seemed to perk up at the sound of his dad's laughter.

When it was time for bed, Holden watched Bill tuck Brian in with a story, claiming that he wasn't used to sleeping alone and he had missed this experience of telling Brian great tales. He read him Goodnight Moon and one of Dr.Seuss's many stories. He rested his head against the door frame and for a moment, he thought about having a kid too. He never really wanted one before because he couldn't imagine himself with anyone. The few relationships he had gotten into had always ended abruptly or died out like Debbie. He knew he could be self-absorbed and that he got cocky easily, but it was hard to focus on anything else. His dream came true despite all the naysayers and the higherups who hate him. He hated himself for that, too. Holden didn't know if someone could care for him and his mess when he wasn't even sure where it stemmed from and honestly, was too frightened to figure out. Bill brushed back Brian's hair from his forehead and kissed him, muttering an "I love you, goodnight," before turning on the nightlight and off the overhead. He walked towards Holden and they went to their bedroom. 

Bill sighed as he went to the dresser and found his sleeping clothes. Their night routine was also peaceful. Holden went into the bathroom and Bill would usually come behind him and kiss along his neck like they just did. Then, they would lie down next to each other and talk about things they were afraid to speak in the light. "Can we go to the beach tomorrow?" Holden asked, trailing his fingers along Bill's bicep. 

"Sure. Although I'm not sure if Brian can swim," he shifted closer so Holden could feel his breath on his skin as he uttered the words. It wasn't an exhausting day and they would have to get a nanny for Brian after this weekend or they would switch off on who watched him. He liked that he got to have these moments, to just not be in his head and lay there with someone he cherished. Bill found Holden's eyes and they just stared for a few seconds.

"You can teach him. I can't swim either." Holden held Bill's hand and kissed along his knuckles before burying himself deeper in his arms. 

Before Holden shut his eyes, he thought about how Brian reacted to the sound of his dad's laughter. Was Bill so stoic with Nancy and Brian? Holden couldn't say he was entirely used to Bill cracking jokes and being verbal about his amusement, but he heard it enough to know when it had happened. What changed in him or in their relationship that he felt he couldn't laugh anymore? Was it the cases? Had some part of Holden destroyed Bill before ever truly knowing him?

"Alright, tomorrow then," Bill responded, but Holden had already forgotten the question.

And tomorrow came. Brian was still playing with the train and car in the backseat. The radio was on at a low volume and Holden had cracked all of the windows just a smidge. "I hope there isn't a lot of people there. It's hard to teach someone how to swim when there's a crowd." The drive was a pleasant one. The sky was clear blue and the music selection was great. The beach was empty enough and Holden was excited. He had a love for the water and its nature even though lacking the ability to swim really set him back some. He got out the umbrella and the chairs, Brian helped with the towels, and Bill held the picnic basket and everything else. 

Holden watched on as he set up a little area for them. Brian was standing at the edge, allowing the water to touch his feet but not going any further in. Bill was so tall that the water had only come to the lowest area of his calf as he reached out for Brian. His son did not budge. Instead, Brian headed towards Holden and sat on the blanket with him. Holden gulped, "It's okay, I'm not so good with water either." He debated on sharing the story before continuing, "I had almost drowned when I was younger, but I kept going back in. I don't know if I wanted to get over my fear or if I thought I could magically swim one day, but I kept it up for a while and I still don't know what I'm doing."

Brian just sat next to him. His feet were covered in sand and Holden hadn't noticed earlier, but Brian had the toys from the car. They were small enough to fit in the pocket of his schoolbag but a little too big for his pockets. "I like those, too. I used to play with them when I was younger and no one could get them away from me. My mother thought something was wrong with me because my toys were the only things I cared about." 

"Did they hate you?" Brian spoke out of nowhere. All his speech came out of nowhere.

"Excuse me?"

"My mom and dad think something's wrong with me. They don't seem to like me."

"That's not true," Holden countered, "your father loves you. He talks about how much he loves you all the time to me. And I'm sure your mom loves you." Holden was sure now that Brian had been like him without being so self-centered all the time. 

"My mom and dad aren't together anymore," Brian explained. Holden knew that first hand because he never would have pursued the wonderful relationship he has now. 

"Why do you think that is?" Holden pondered. Brian moved the car back and forth on the towel. He no longer expected an answer from the boy. 

"Me."

"That's not true either." Holden had heard about this sort of thing happening. Brian's therapist had tried to warn Nancy and Bill, but staying together when they weren't good for each other would not have benefitted anyone. "I know why they aren't together and they never mentioned you. You believe me, right?" Holden had never given him a reason to believe him, but he hoped he would. Children who often had these thoughts also had a fear of abandonment and low self-confidence, things Brian surely didn't need. 

"Okay." He wasn't sure if the words were just to placate him, but Brian didn't speak if he didn't want to. Holden reached into the basket and pulled out a sandwich, peanut butter and marshmallow since he knew it was Brian's favorite. Brian accepted it and they watched Bill swim in silence.

The night had come again and Holden was tense. He debated on whether or not Bill should know about Brian's thoughts. He tended to fold into himself when he was presented with a social issue. "You tell Brian you love him every day?" Bill furrowed his eyebrows and moved his hand from the supple side on Holden. 

"Where is this coming from?" He wasn't sure if Bill was angry yet, he thought he should know by now. 

"Brian told me today that he didn't think you, or Nancy, care for him because of the incident." Bill got up from the bed at his words and left Holden feeling regretful. He wrestled with the idea of going after him and eventually decided on following him. Brian had already been tucked in for the night and Bill sat on their couch, one that held the memories of affection and passion, drinking a bottle of scotch. Holden approached him like a scared cat and sat next to him.

"We tried so hard to reassure him after everything happened. I know I'm not there. I'm never there, but when I am, I always say that I love him," Bill affirmed. Holden believed that in his bones through and through, but that didn't mean that Brian knew those words were true. Holden had yet to hear them. 

"He also said that he thought you guys ended because of him, which would explain why he thought that you didn't love him," Holden theorized. Bill was shaking slightly, so Holden reached over and held his hand. He wouldn't dare to in the morning, but he suspected that Brian was a heavy sleeper and was relying on that thought wearily. Holden placed Bill's palm over his chest so they could synch their breathing and he could calm down. It took some time but Holden didn't mind waiting. 

"I told Nancy that the divorce wasn't good for him or the move or any change and she just," he sighed and rubbed at his eyes. He left to return to the bedroom and took the bottle and glass with him. Holden followed, suddenly fuming at the words. 

"So you regret the divorce?" He spat. Normally, he could keep his cool but this whole relationship had begun because the space for his love to be requited was finally created. 

"Did I say that?"

"It felt like it was implied. I don't even know how you feel about me, Bill," Holden's voice might have been quiet but it held a dispirited tone. He hated to make the argument about himself, but as he said, he was self-absorbed. All in all, it was about Bill's ineffectiveness to emote. Bill sat on the edge of the bed and watched Holden in the doorway.

"What would I do all this for if I didn't have feelings for you, kid?" The nickname melted Bill's insides for a second, but then he thought about how that was such a roundabout way of answering. 

"Just tell me how you feel, please. About everything." 

"I hate that the divorce negatively affected Brian, but I don't regret the fact that it happened because now I'm with you," BIll placed the glass and bottle on the carpeted floor and came closer to Holden, "I love being with you because you make me happy, you make me laugh and smile in a way that I never have before. I love the house you found for us and your cooking and your intelligence even though it can be a pain in the ass sometimes." Holden didn't think he would say it, so he had to ask.

"Do you love me?" Holden whispered. If Bill didn't hear it, he could take it back. Bill gripped Holden's face in his hands so he wouldn't have anywhere else to stare. He wasn't sure why he was doubting himself now. Bill had never wavered in his feelings or anything of the sort. He just needed to know in a way he hadnt' before. Words weren't enough for Brian and actions were all of a sudden not enough for Holden. 

Bill's mouth met Holden and he sighed into it, not being able to resist and feeling his heart lift as Bill muttered, "of course I love you," and planted kissed all over his face, and then his body as Holden held back the cries he wanted to release. He was lucky to have a family when he wasn't sure anyone would ever want him this way and now he wants to make sure Brian is comfortable as well.

**Author's Note:**

> Should I write more or leave this as one piece? I felt like I wrote so much and it was only 3k.


End file.
